1. |
Managing Expectations
02:29
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I remember being...
drunk as fuck in the passenger seat
overflowing with rage that you might be
dead before I get home to cry about
your looming mortality
we got home and I threw up in the front yard
breaking things because I couldn't drink away
my broken fucking heart, my broken heart
this is all too much. knowing is much too hard
I'm still dreaming about you,
perplexed that you're here
but so relieved
It's just enough to believe
and be crushed when
I wake and you leave
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2. |
We'll See You Tomorrow
02:15
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the men who took you were Giants
draped in black, both macabre and tranquilizing
I can't help but think for all the youth I've wasted
you could have had a few more years
I'd spent the last three wishing it were me who was dying
"It's over. She's not breathing anymore."
I just keep replaying that line in my head.
Over and over.
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3. |
Retrospect and Ire
02:29
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there are images
that I'll never get out of my mind
the saddest nights
from when you were still alive
drinking beers with my stepfather
and the solemn look in his eyes
when he told me that he failed you
because you didn't know that you would die
my deadbeat father bring you gifts
after scarcely seeing you in three years
as if he hadn't known it was the end
like we all knew. it was the end
back at the University of Michigan,
angelic as you were to me,
I could have watched you sleep for hours
recovering from your fourth surgery
the one time that I felt hope
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4. |
Terminal
03:35
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jolted awake from another dream
where I couldn't speak
a reflection of my everyday
I just feel like I don't have much to say
"This is gonna devastate me," my mother cried outside the hospital
parking garage, with her hands covering her face
sitting at a red steel picnic table I just can't forget
and I realize I'm unable to choke out one word of comfort between cigarettes
cough up my lungs, right from my chest, let the fire soothe the tension, pretend that it's all okay
your mother broke a mirror while you slept in her womb
seven years of bad luck passed onto you
I've tried to pick up pieces along the way
but my hands are all cut up and nothing has changed
from diagnosis to hardly survived surgery
hospital rooms will remain vividly painted across my memory
still I have nothing to say and I don't know if I will
if the cancer inside takes her away...
...and it did. and I still don't know what to say
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5. |
Palliation
04:57
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she died in her sleep
they say she's at peace
but I'm not at peace
and I still can't sleep
hear her death rattling
through all of my dreams
so I've been death grappling
the pillows to muffle my screams
weeks of coughing
to weeks of gasping
in spite of the machines
we just couldn't keep her breathing
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daisy gold Monroe, Michigan
queer southeast michigan screamo
married duo
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